This past week, I published an article on the deficit of intimacy I’ve been experiencing in my attempts to form, and become part of, new friend and professional groups. I’ve since thought deeply about our shared, societal difficulty in opening up to one another, and have reached an alternative conclusion about my life; I realized that I was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, because what I was searching for was already there.
I often write about people not perceiving the world with clarity, but this time it was me who wasn’t seeing clearly. In my sense of isolation, and my quest for interpersonal intimacy, I was missing the people, the faces, the gestures, and the love of all of those who were already there; in some substantial way, I simply blocked them out (there’s that mental filtering at work). And yet, they’ve all been there the entire time. This revelation felt as though it came from a movie script, and I was George from It’s a Wonderfull Life; I began to wonder if the one who struggled with intimacy was, in reality, the one who sees: me.
But, I think it’s more complex than that; I still believe that our culture is comprised of individuals struggling to disclose their true selves, but now, unlike before, I see it all with greater clarity, as I see myself in that picture as well. My great revelation came after having a deep conversation with a friend whom I haven’t spoken with in too long of a time; and, it was our dialogue that painted my world with lucidity, helping me to accept the hitherto yearned for, and sought after, intimacy which was already there from the start.
Throughout our lives, we miss so much of the good, because we focus too much on the bad, the wackness of it all. I was convinced that I was isolated and alone, and yet, there she was, my close friend who wanted nothing more than to share her recent trails with me, opening my world up to her sorrow and hurt, completely shattering my self-pity in the process. It was through her voice that life chose to speak to me, and much like with my discourse with death, I finally allowed it to share its message. Life, it appeared, came to inform me of my vast oversight, and to show me my great error. So, I wanted to take this time to express my gratitude toward, and thank, all of those people who love me; I’m sorry for not seeing you there before.
This post is dedicated to a future contributor to this blog, Victoria St. Fleur.