While each of us are the centers of our own universes, sometimes, our judgments of ourselves should be de-emphasized, especially when they’re based on unrealistic standards.
Perfectionists, or “superfectionists” to use a term from philosopher Helen De Cruz, tend to believe that others hold them to the same standard they hold themselves to. So, as a result, they struggle with severe social anxiety, expecting rejection. Many of our patients place the burden of proof on us, as they do with their loved ones, implicitly or explicitly noting that their self-concepts are more or less set in stone. Thus, to paraphrase the famed astronomer Carl Sagan, extraordinary beliefs require extraordinary evidence. Yet, in this regard, expressing any sort of fondness or admiration for the perfectionist isn’t extraordinary in the sense that it lies beyond what’s possible, the evidence is frequently carelessly discounted when granted, and the rigid self-referential core beliefs are gifted immunity.
Fundamentally, the perfectionist is an unfair thinker with respect to themself, favoring familiar beliefs over any alternative.
Returning to Sagan, this way of thinking only makes sense when we’re discussing supernatural beliefs. Science, with the help of thousands of people, established a way of seeing the world that flipped the burden of proof onto those who dismiss it. Yet, the perfectionist, on the other hand, has decided mainly on their own (sometimes with the help of the distorted perspectives of others) that their understanding of themself is so well-informed and complete that they should no longer have to support it. It’s everyone else’s job to disprove them.
However, in treatment, perfectionists may discover that their perspectives of themselves not only differ from those of others but are, additionally, based on a plethora of cognitive distortions. Black and white thinking informs the belief that one is only smart, attractive, likable, and/or good if one is perfect, or, in other words, that way all the time, everywhere, and to everyone. Overgeneralizing informs the belief that one is stupid because of a simple mistake, ugly because of one rejection (or a select few), and/or unlikeable due to not fitting in. Personalizing informs the belief that bad things happen to you solely because of you, meaning your tainted essence always and solely engenders failure. Catastrophic thinking contributes to avoidance, which, in turn, prevents us from experiencing positive data about us. And “the shoulds” underlie our chronic sense of not being enough. NASCAR legend Richard Petty remarked that he wasn’t satisfied when he didn’t reach a goal because it meant his bar was too high and, conversely, felt unsatisfied when he did because it meant his bar was too low. These mental traps form the bedrock of the perfectionist’s sense of self, yet they continue to take it so seriously nevertheless.
Due to these thinking traps, perfectionists can:
1. Discontinue unfairly privileging their own beliefs: Stubbornness, or the the unwillingness to admit one is wrong, precludes cognitive flexibility, an important aspect of maturity and well-being. Here, you would have to accept that the burden of proof should be equally distributed, meaning that others aren’t solely responsible for convincing you to like yourself; it’s also your job to keep an open-mind by reminding yourself that even though you live in your own mind, you aren’t necessarily right about each of its inner-workings.
2. Allow others to decide how they feel about them: This is often the most difficult goal for a perfectionist due to their intense need to predict and control. We avoid people to avoid certain rejection, yet the more courageous act is presenting oneself authentically and giving others the chance to judge you. Perfectionists, preoccupied with curating their image, frequently miss the mark on why others like or don’t like them. Rather than learning from them, they tend to make absurd assumptions. Often, people dislike you not because they believe you aren’t brilliant or beautiful but because you’re inconsiderate and self-absorbed. Allowing others to make up their minds about you implies a respect for their opinions and the willingness to discover why a relationship isn’t a good fit.
3. Remind themselves that life isn’t always coherent: This is similar to number 2 but differs in that its focus is on the discomfort felt by simultaneously holding two conflicting perspectives. On the one hand, the perfectionist accepts their own self-concept, which is based on their particular standards. On the other, they discontinue discounting others’ perceptions of them. This means challenging the belief that one is complimenting you solely because they’re nice or that others don’t really like you. Here, the perfectionist’s preference for clear and linear thinking clashes with their cognitive dissonance, the uneasy emotional state stemming from confronting a paradox. Fundamentally, the perfectionist has to learn how to live with conflicting views, without resorting to their familiar tendency to bias their own perspective while devaluing all others.
4. Discontinue chasing certainty: Some claim to hate uncertainty while simultaneously chasing it, spending their lives being pulled by the hope of ultimately conquering it. It isn’t people or things they want; it’s a victory over the forces of life. Perfectionists search for the ultimate proof of their worth, only allowing themselves to experience comfort when they believe they’re in its presence. Akin to a drug addiction, this high only lasts for so long, fueling obsessive tendencies. Yet, to apply a general rule, if you can control or acquire it, you don’t need to obsess over it. And if do, you’re likely only deluding yourself into believing you can.
Leon's Existential Cafe 