Few emotions are denied as vehemently as envy. Envy implies weakness like few others.
Many of our younger patients find it challenging to believe that their peers envy them. They often tell us, “You’re just trying to be nice.” And many of our older patients can’t imagine that a cold and abusive parent envied them. Yet, envy, like anger or fear, is a fundamental emotion that all of us feel. Envy is not only wanting to have something, whether a quality or possession, that someone else has, but believing that they don’t deserve it. In that sense, one can justify any sort of punishment for the sin of taking more than one’s owed. For tormenting an innocent bystander, who has to suffer by experiencing another’s joy in her unfair prizes.
Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams writes, “Envy may also be the root of the much-noted judgmental quality of narcissistically organized persons, toward themselves and toward others. If I feel deficient and l perceive you as having it all, I may try to destroy what you have by deploring, scorning, or ridiculing it.” Even deeper, if I can’t accept the inherent unfairness of the universe or my own deficiencies in contributing to my undesired lot, I’ll blame you for your apparent contributions to, or for even being the cause of, my sorrow. Acknowledging envy leads to a cascade of problems, one following the other: I have to accept some inferior quality as more or less immutable; I have to accept my weakness in feeling harmed by the comparison; I have to accept that some others will judge me as inferior; and I have to accept that much of my fate isn’t in my control.
Feeling threatened of being perceived as less than, desiring to combat one’s envy by destroying the other, and denying it altogether is the foundation of bullying. Prospective partners, actual partners, and even friends may play this game as well. In the romantic realm, it’s called negging, putting someone in their place so they’ll seek out and be grateful for your affection. But negging can be universal, wherein people chronically say harmful things to and about others that they don’t mean. The show Normal People has a great example of this. In it, Marianne asks Cornell why he’s with her, since his friends think she’s ugly. He notes that they don’t actually believe that but merely feel inferior to her because she wouldn’t date them. On the one hand, they’re negging her; on the other, they’re ruining her reputation, placing themselves above her in the hierarchy.
In her practice, psychotherapist @the_mel_jar on X noted, “A common complaint will be something along the lines of “I thought this guy liked me, but it turns out he doesn’t, and I feel so stupid and sad.” But in what they describe about this guy’s behavior, it seems pretty clear that this guy DOES have sexual attraction to this girl, on some level. His behavior is legitimately confusing. There’s a whole host of reasons why this kid is telling this other girl why he doesn’t like her, but one reason can be that he’s not aware of or can’t admit this particular attraction to himself.” The evidence is what matters most. Just as Cornell attempted to console Marianne with the truth, we try to help our patients better understand other people’s inconsistent patterns.
Envy is denied by all sorts of authority figures, including parents, leaving their children to wonder why they were so unlovable, or how they could have been more worthy. The blame hides away certain psychodynamics, disturbing hidden motives and desires. One can argue, of course, that this is just another rationalization, meant to soothe an immature mind. And denial does work to this end. But in this respect, Mel is arguing that, to an outside observer, the evidence seems obvious. Inconsistent actions imply inconsistent thoughts. And, as a culture, we frown on envy while doing our best to cultivate it. As with anything else, this is as much a systemic issue as it is personal. We often tell people that envy can be good, fostering achievement, but achievement and talent aren’t always fairly rewarded. (Arguably, our “meritocracy” isn’t very meritocratic.) Soothing is one thing, but acknowledging our roles in maintaining a severely flawed system is another.
I wrote this piece to help people better understand why they were abused, but, also, to help people begin to consider how universal and not so inherently shameful envy is. While the actions on its behalf are inexcusable, the envy itself is often understandable, especially when we note how unjust the world will always be, even if we fix parts of it. I envy others just as others envy me, and so and so forth… And, most of the time, my envy is shallow and petty.
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