Some people will watch you burn and pretend they had nothing to do with it, or worse, that you did it to yourself.
In a recent argument with someone, I was told, “Well, isn’t that your problem that I’m like this?” I responded with, “It’s actually ours.” The responsibility dodger is often a mild-mannered individual, whose rage is perfectly sewn up within a carefully maintained yet threadbare fabric. Like hidden treasure, one touch and it’s revealed. The responsibility dodger isn’t necessarily the blowhard shamer, whose tendencies are much easier to spot and censure. Sometimes, he’s just a highly sensitive person who merely makes you question your own sanity. Maybe he was just asking questions. Maybe he was just standing up for himself or someone else. In the game of emotional hot potato, maybe it’s just bad luck that you’re always the one ending up holding it.
Those who won’t take any responsibility for their struggles, interpersonal ones included, find ways to minimize their actions and exaggerate yours. Effectively, they manage their own discomfort by tossing it to you; the shame is for you, not for them. And the most frequently used weapon is, guilt. How many times have you felt guilty for asking them to empathize with you? Or for wasting their time by asking them to take responsibility for something that was, in reality, your own fault? How often do they end conversations by crying and you subsequently feel like the bad guy?
In psychodynamic terms, we refer to interpersonal activities as the dynamics of a relationship. This means that while each individual may have a role in a specific moment, both partners contribute in their own ways (with their beliefs, preferences, and decisions) to those interactions. This obviously doesn’t mean that people aren’t and can’t be victims (or deserve to be); merely that every action has a reaction and is, itself, a multi-determined influence. In situations where individuals feel personally attacked, and victimized, sometimes, they aren’t. For some, any provocation, or piece of negative feedback, can feel traumatic. It isn’t how you say something but that you even mentioned it. The script is now flipped and the spotlight redirected to you.
The responsibility dodger is a perpetual child, hoping for you to soothe them by removing their burden. To be clear, all of us, due to stress and personal triggers, occasionally avoid being accountable. At times, we might feel overburdened with blame and, thus, deflect it. But, I’m referring to those who are chronically defensive and spend most of their lives protecting themselves at the expense of others. So, when you’re feeling overwhelmingly guilty, remind yourself that the dodger is desperate and using whatever weapon they can to avoid your bullets, meaning their defensive assault is likely exaggerated. Inform them that you want to save your relationship with them and want to learn how to phrase your comments better. And remind yourself that you aren’t meant to carry the full load of a relationship.
We also have to be careful to not play the blame game. It’s easy to become so upset that you retaliate by, in turn, tossing the potato back to your partner. Therapists have a tendency to be very prideful, so when addressing patients who blame us for a lack of progress, we have to note our own shortcomings. My instinct is to become defensive when a client challenges something I believe I know to be false. But, in reality, the truth is in the in-between. Of course, I can recall all of the times I did X, but did I always? Even if I did 90% of the time, I should be able to admit when I didn’t and not use when I did as an excuse. Yes, I’m not perfect, but I can try harder. All of us should.
The difficulty here is in being a role model and learning how to tolerate unfair maneuvers. This isn’t to say that you should always decide to remain in a relationship with a responsibility dodger; that’s your call to make. But, if you will, know that much of the work to help the other will fall on you, at least for a while. Responsibility dodgers feel an exorbitant amount of shame, and you’ll have to continue to love them, thereby showing them that they are lovable, while standing firm on your feedback. The message here being: Your behavior is unacceptable but you still are. Because so many give up on them, they need those who won’t.
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