A perfectionist enters treatment for depression and anxiety. They inform their therapist that nothing ever feels right or meaningful. They believe they should have been farther along in their career by now and have already been married, even if without children. They source the causes of their struggles in their limited options, blaming cruel labor and dating markets (which isn’t completely untrue, to be fair). And, so, their problems, they believe, would be resolved if only life were more just. They feel that they can’t connect with anyone or anything, thus merely need more and better options.
Treatment, then, just becomes a place to voice frustrations and distract oneself throughout the waiting period. The perfectionist often believes that, in due time, their extreme patience will be rewarded. So, there’s a paradox: On one hand, there’s a profoundly painful sense that the world is unfair to them and, on the other, the belief that it will almost magically but inevitably self-correct and favor them. How and why often remains unknown or at least left unsaid.
According to the Institute of Family Studies, only about 30% of young adults are dating. The report goes on to note that young adult women date less than young adult men, with about 74% of the former reporting having gone on zero or a few dates and about 64% of the latter indicating the same. These were the percentages, despite 51% of all survey participants expressing an interest in establishing a serious, romantic relationship. While many adults in general struggle with dating, young adults seem to be the worst off, meaning that dating, in general, is trending downward.
So, how is it that so many of them want relationships yet have, simultaneously, decided to date minimally, or not at all? For many, though not all, perfectionism is a core problem. Our fictitious perfectionist patient may not only complain about the quality of available partners, which may indicate other-oriented perfectionism, or the demand that others become perfect. They may also complain about their lack of confidence in their dating skills. Lack of confidence in dating skills, which was also reported by the Institute of Family Studies, may be indicative of self-oriented perfectionism, or holding oneself to an impossible standard of behavior or achievement. So, perfectionists may fear being boring and unappealing, but, equally true and meaningful, they may fear being or becoming uninterested in a romantic partner or worry about having to reject them and hurt their feelings because of it.
The only apparent solution, then, becomes to find a partner who perfectly fits one’s criteria and to become someone who’s also perfect. When that doesn’t happen, the perfectionist retreats into fantasy, which may manifest in a parasocial relationship with a celebrity figure or daydreams about an unattainable other in one’s personal life. However, one doesn’t need to become perfect, nor do they need their partner to be — they need to tolerate distress better. This implies needing to learn how to tolerate anxiety, frustration, confusion, boredom, sadness, and, yes, even and especially, disillusionment.
And we may do so by reframing what each means. Initially, confusion about another’s apparently mixed signals may imply lukewarm or uncertain interest, but it may just as likely imply caution and a careful consideration of the relationship’s trajectory (your feelings included), and the desire to move slowly to preclude unnecessary pain (e.g., as from deception). Anxiety (or hesitation) may initially imply a lack of emotional security in the partnership or certainty in one’s own desires, but it may just as likely imply a meaningful connection, which you profoundly fear losing. Sadness may initially imply a severed or uncertain connection, but it may also imply happiness, which only persists in perpetuity in our memories — of course we’re meant to be somewhat sad when we’re apart from the ones we love. Boredom may initially appear ominous, only to reveal the opposite in security. (Arguably, boring relationships are also the most stable.) And disillusionment may initially feel disappointing only to lead to a more genuine and liberating connection.
Through disillusionment, we learn that, like our partner’s flaws, ours are relatable and acceptable, far from the exaggerated versions nurtured only within our skulls. And through most of the purportedly negative emotions, we often learn not only that they’re temporary but that they symbolize the strengths of a relationship, not only, or even mainly, its weaknesses. Rigidity of thought, or black and white thinking, may make us believe that only good feelings are good and that bad feelings are always bad. But the world and our relationships are much more complicated. For example, a patient may remark, “But, what if I realize I don’t like them that much and leave them for someone better?” And we may respond, “But several other things are true, too. You’ve met many people and still choose your partner every day despite that. And, you chronically worry about hurting them. So, can your anxiety mean you sincerely love them?”
A perfectionist may erroneously search for purity of emotion, only allowing experiences with “good vibes,” yet the apparent bad ones can also, if not more so at times, reveal a relationship’s sustainability, even nurturing it if we let them. At bottom, we don’t have to keep waiting. To quote Andrew Largeman in the 2004 film Garden State, “This is my life, Dad. This is it. I’ve spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don’t think it’s too much to take on, because it’s everything there is. I see now it’s all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let’s just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better.” We don’t have to only learn in hindsight that something was beautiful and worth fighting for.
At bottom, many consider themselves to be romantics when in reality they’re just idealists. They wish to keep love in its potential state, only in their minds. As love instantiated requires fighting for it; it requires courage.
Leon's Existential Cafe 